The Biggest Love

I wanted a child
Because I was going to invent the
Biggest love
That had ever been
Pure love
Pure beauty

I could be Mary (Ah! Ah!Ah!)

And all the trying
Soul searching
Book reading
Frustration, worrying
Falling short, falling apart
Hating myself
Loving myself
Losing and finding and losing
Myself
Again and again

Was not about
Raising my sons

It was about
Raising myself

Parenting isn’t so much
Something to do
As it is
Something to let go of

Letting go:
Letting go of the possibility that
I raise a child
At all
That I parent
At all
That I do anything
For, to or with anyone
At all

Ah! Here is the terror
Of manifesting something
Beyond my reach
Beyond belief

Mmm! Here is the grief
Of losing something

I never had (Aw! Aw! Aw!)

My children are strangers to me
They always have been

My children are gone
They always have been

Because I can guess
What flavor ice cream
He’ll choose
I think I know him

Kinder to accept
That I’ll be living closely
With strangers
For a few years

Letting go of
All my self
All my love
Over and over

Because holding
Kills the butterfly

Oh! Here is freedom
And here is love
And now we fly
Bye-bye