Just for a moment
Or an afternoon
I’d like to be ten again
To be sitting in
My grandmother’s kitchen
Feeling uneasy
With the immense serenity
Of her place
Hearing her tell me
I’m a good girl
I’m good
I’m beautiful
I’d believe her
If I could
I wouldn’t think
She’s just saying that
Because she’s my grandmother
And she’s afraid for me
I’d let it come...
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I am the shadowy figure in dreams of people who have seen me drive by or spoken to me in the grocery store and I seem to say something quite directly to someone and it just slips right past their awake mind and into their dreaming mind unnoticed, undetected or ignored, maybe unwanted.
And I wonder if I’m alive and I can almost feel a hint of fear and sadness that I am not more fully here but it seems as...
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More rain on the way
And I can’t feel anything but grateful for it
Because of three years of drought
Of being careful and not wasting
Which of course meant no running through the sprinkler
For the kids and no water balloon tosses
Alex came home
In the middle of the day
And we sat together knee to knee
Leaning in
And came to understand some things
And those were things such as
There are no guarantees and...
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As I look into the blue yes
Of the face of my son
He is talking
Words like flight, like running and jumping in –
Cannonball splash
I feel myself depart, searching
With swelling desperation
The desperation
Searching for a way to convey
I love you
Without guilt
Without it being a burden
But I am lost
Because the desperation will be in it
And the guilt
I am mute
How to convey
The feeling that...
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I wanted a child
Because I was going to invent the
Biggest love
That had ever been
Pure love
Pure beauty
I could be Mary (Ah! Ah!Ah!)
And all the trying
Soul searching
Book reading
Frustration, worrying
Falling short, falling apart
Hating myself
Loving myself
Losing and finding and losing
Myself
Again and again
Was not about
Raising my sons
It was about
Raising myself
Parenting isn’t so much
Something to do
As...
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