What is it about me
That you avoid
Can’t look in my eyes
Look into the void

It’s inside of you
Inside of me
It’s everywhere
It’s like the sea

And when I say hi
And you turn away
It hurts me
And I don’t know why

The last time I saw you
Animals on safari
You made it plain
I’d nothing to gain
I said I’m sorry

Do I look like
A girl who hurt you
Well that’s not me
Do I look like
I’m bad news
Well, not to me
And I’m not your mother
You don’t know me
But I have something for you
It’s gonna be a surprise

Cuz when you’re hating me
You’re hating you
And the hate’s a pack of lies
Turn and face
What you don’t know
Come to a place
As black as snow
We’ll find out together
What’s been hiding between us
We’ll discover the weather
On this all-new Venus

I’m not out to get you
I’m out to learn
the mysteries of life
And to fold back the cover
Of the book
That I wrote
In the life between lives
And the truth between lies
Please come with me
And let us recognize
Each’s other
In the other’s eyes

Circling tremor beneath
The flowers
Pulling, sucking at the roots
Waxen petals
Blend
With Dirt

Intone the musical whisper
Of your gut
Especially because you think it
Ugly, unknowable, naked
You must

Descend the hearth steps
Brick
Stone
Earth
Where Nothing
Drips
Fingertips
Lick dry lips
The table’s arranged
Don’t let slip
The infinite secret song

This aspect is
Barefoot-tender
Step and step
We can cross over
And as soon as we do
Will ache with a devouring
Lust

To return to mud and blood
Thick, velvet shame
Tucked-away emerald trust
Joy bursting forth
Leaf-green
Reclining fatigue
Smells like apples and
Hums like bees

The tear that springs into your eyes
When you catch that bare smile
Yes, you will want to return
To escape the tedious peace

Wink your goodbye to
Nothing
Knowing you don’t leave it
It’s here inside
And what all will you do and say
This time
Just to pretend
It died?

If I were to love myself
The world would be transformed
No feeling inadequate, like I made a mistake
No comparing myself to others… no matter what
No feeling bad about how others respond to me
Their acceptance or not
No believing I’ve done anything to be sorry for
No feeling like I’ve let anyone down
Especially myself
Nothing at all wrong with me anymore
If I were to love myself.

If I were to love myself
I’d rejoice in all that I do
All that I am
I’d know beyond all doubt
That I’ve been doing the very best I could
For all time
And that it’s okay to learn
To be more of myself
Than I’ve every known before
Uncovering the goodness of my being
If I were to love myself.

If I were to love myself
Body would rejoice
Energy of love flowing to feed my cells
Finally getting the nourishment to live
Fully alive like never before
The gift that is me
That I was meant to bring to this world
Inspiring others to bring their gifts forward
Bring who they are alive
For us all to receive
If I were to love myself.

If I were to love myself
There wouldn’t be anything to be afraid of
Fear itself would be loved
And transformed by that love
Into knowing the truth
That I am important, vital
Inseparable from all that is
That it really is all about me
After all
Connected to all that is
One to the other
One large Body of creation
Made to open us to the truth of our being
Made to create a world based on real love
If I were to love myself.

“I want to be the darkness!”
She said.
Not knowing how profound
Her desire and courage went.
Now I’m here with her
Tumbled into this place
Once more
With her leading me
Showing me the way
She always has been
Calling me to come down
To where heart was lost
A very long time ago

She wants me to stay here forever now
Never leave again
I’ve been prone to leaving
Hating the darkness
The decay and stench here
The ugliness of this place
Of all the hurt and loss that’s ever been
I’ve done all I could to stay away from here
When she’s pulled me down
Once more
To the place where everything good withers
A slow painful decay
How could anyone want to be here?

I’m walking in the land of the dead now
Or so it seems
With her
Not alone anymore
I’ve brought a small bit of light
My willingness
To bring love here
However I can
For as long as it takes
No place else to go
That feels more real
Or more worthwhile being in
No more avoiding
What lives in the darkness
I’m not leaving anymore

I don’t know what I can do here
Don’t know what will happen
To me, to her, to it all
I just know it has to be
That she is included
Her voice heard
Her passion honored
Or else we’re all doomed
To be drawn into the abyss
Of heart break
Forever

So here I’ll stay
This small flicker of light
I’ll keep tending
That’s all it takes
Or so she tells me
A willingness to be transformed
By the fire of this place
That only burns away the illusions
We’ve all been pretending
Maybe the tides are turning now
Time for something new
Something yearned for
From the very beginning
Maybe the original spark
That was drawn by the darkness
Will stay
So something new
Something precious
And wanted
Can be born

Thank you for the chances you offered me
The Doors you opened
That I took
That I walked through
And for letting me see your anger
When I didn’t
And thank you for letting me know
That your anger didn’t mean
I was wrong
Thank you so much
For pushing me to dig deeper
Under the sleepiness
To get to my terror and rage and grief
How trained I’d been
To say I was fine
After I’d fallen and
Hurt myself
Thank you for showing me
How to cry
The moment my heart is cracked open
Raw
Tender
Trembling
Melting
Burning
Yearning
Alive
With love

She is a
Prisoner
A broken, brilliant almost
Secreting dances
Ferocious or
Soft
Burning to be
Born
Trembling beneath
The skin
Unseen
Dying to burst out
Into the light
Hoping against hope to
Not go unsung
Into the dreamless sleep

You didn’t come for healing
You say
You are already healed
You say
You understand it all
You say
The world is insane but you
You say
You can see

This is what I say

You are not healed
I am not healed
No one is healed
Some are healing

As long as there is
Violence
We are not healed
As long as there is
Rape
We are not healed
As long as there is
Government
We are not healed
As long as there is
Prison
We are not healed
As long as there is
Cancer
We are not healed
As long as there is
Addiction
We are not healed
As long as there is
You and I and
Us and them
We are not healed

You already know
You say
You are telling me nothing new
You say

This is what I say

What you seek is
Death
You seek the end
And the end
Is what you will always have
Until you love
The mess
The darkness
The terror of
Not knowing
How it will end
Who you are
Where you are going

You don’t know

All the children have been killed
The mothers too
She is the last one
Some were killed with hatred and violence
But most were simply neglected
Until they ceased to exist
She is the last one and
She fears for her life
And yet,
For her death
Sometimes she wonders at life’s tenacity
At how hard it is to die
Given how hard it is to live
But mostly she just trembles and
Holds on
Waiting
She forgets to want anything
It was the children who wanted
And they are gone
Every moment is only
Watching and waiting
And without the children
She is like wallpaper
Like wood
Like dirt
Everything she is
Depends on what’s next
And since what’s next is never grasped
Never quite gotten to
Always beyond
She is nothing
And the longer she is nothing
The bigger she grows
And the more shapeless

There is no deep forest
to explore

No high desert
chalky sunset colors
purple and peach

No great expanse of lawn
dotted with morning deer
grazing

No gardener’s palette
and beyond
a creek or
the staying summer sea

There is only a yard
surrounded by a decrepit fence
creaking in the night breeze
a hole dug for a pond
full of weeds
a few tomatoes

But the winter compost is
rich, black and hot
and steams through the frosty day

And the children still come here
to play.